Banned Books: Agent Hotchner FBI Fuck Machine

This is another book I wrote that won’t pass the terms of service of any Ebook publishers.  It’s a Criminal Minds fan fiction.  Check it out anus breath!!




Kitty Glitter

Agent Hotchner pulled his dick out of JJ Jareau’s mouth, and then he stuck it in her pussy to cum.

Jareau’s beige skirt was hiked up around her ass, exposing her sexy legs and thighs as she stood in beige Louboutin pigalles.

A man in a green hoodie and baggy Karl Kani jeans humped Jareau’s ass, while agent Hotchner got his dick hard again and put it back in her pussy.

Just then senior agent Rossi walked in, his swarthy Italian face covered in a greasy black dago mustache, his oily black wop mop looked nasty combed over his fat head.

“What’s the matter with youse guys?” said Rossi, “there ain’t no orgies allowed in the crime solving room.  I thought youse knew better than that agent Hotchner.  Youse da most straight-laced white bread agent the FBI ever done graduated out that Quantico joint.”

“Suck it Rossi,” said Hotchner, “my wife was killed by a serial killer.  I am totally done with the straight man shit.”

“Yeah,” said Jareau, while still getting fucked, “Hotch fucks good, it’s about time someone around here appreciated how hot my legs are.”

“Well this is a little too hot to handle,” said Rossi as he pulled out his cellphone, “I got to call your mentor, Jason Gideon, he’ll give you what for.”

“Actually y’all,” said the man in the green hoodie, “I go by Gid Loco now!”

The man removed the hoodie and revealed the jewy Mandy Patinkin face of senior agent Jason Gideon, master of profiling.

“Listen Rossi,” said Gideon, “I just profiled you, and my verdict is you’re an uptight Italian asshole.”

Then Gideon and Hotchner pulled their dicks out of Jareau and came all over her shiny blonde hair.

“Uh!” shrieked Jareau, “it feels so hot and wet!”

“I will have you guys arrested,” shouted Rossi, “light skinned black guy and agent Reid come back me up!”

Agent Spencer Reid, one pale and anorexic motherfucker, awkwardly duck walked into the room like he’d just shit his khakis or something and shyly pulled out an FBI issue Magnum.

“Actually sir,” said agent Reid as he nerdily fired three shots into Rossi’s hairy Italian nut-sack, “I would rather chill with Hotch and Gid Loco.”

“Uh my nuts! Youse shot my nuts!” screamed Rossi, as he collapsed to the floor, clutching his blood soaked crotch hole.

“Gid Loco”, said Hotchner, “go gas up the Eagle Talon and bring it around back.  We’re ditching this Quantico bullshit once and for all.”

“I’m on it Hotch,” said Jason Gideon, as he ran out to the FBI garage.

About five minutes later there was a car horn honking.

“Let’s split this crap-hole,” said Hotchner, as he grabbed Jareau and Reid by their hands and ran for the back exit.

Just then light skinned black guy entered, “yo Hotch I thought we was boys.”

“Of course we’re boys light skinned black guy,” said Hotch, “we got one more spot in the Eagle Talon.  Come join us. We’re going to kill Casey Anthony!”

With that agents Hotchner, Jareau, Reid, and Lightskinded exited FBI headquarters, leaving behind agent Rossi, as he cradled what was left of his greasy Italian balls.


Jason Gideon threw on a pair of wrap-around blu-blockers with duct tape stuck to the peripheries and slammed his pink Reebok pumps down on the Eagle Talon’s accelerator, pushing the V6 Mitsubishi engine as hard as it would go.

“Yo Gid Loco,” said agent Lightskinded, “why you wearing those crazy spectacles with the tape all up on them, you look like some kinda Geordi LaForge ass nigga!”

“Get this,” said Gid Loco, “I need blinders to keep me from checking out JJ’s legs, else I’d crash this motherfuckin Eagle into a side rail or some shit.”

“True,” said Hotchner, as he ran his fingers up JJ’s thigh and up into her pussy, “her legs are really sexy.”

“Word?” said agent Lightskinded, “I need to sample that shit myself necca!”

“Chill,” said JJ Jareau, as she slipped a pair of aviator glasses on, “I’m flattered but if you want to hit this pussy up, you better hit the beach first and get some sun.  Your lightskindedness is hurting my eyes.”

“Oh dip,” laughed Gid Loco, “bitch straight up burned you.”

“Fuck that shit,” said agent Lightskinded, as he took out an FBI issue bowie knife, and gutted JJ Jareau from pussy to mouth while Hotchner was still fingering her.

“Ouch you cut my finger,” said Hotchner, “that’s like six demerits agent Lightskinded!”

“Dag yo,” said Gid Loco, “you sensitive ass motherfucker, you got blood all over the Talon necca!”

“Should I handle this sirs?” said agent Reid, as he slipped on a five-finger diamond ring that had the words WHITE NERD engravedified across it.

“Do it necca!” said Gid loco, as he snapped his fingers.

Agent Reid turned to the back seat and punched agent Lightskinded.



BAM!  Up until that white bread motherfuckin light ass skin broke into a million pieces, the hot Virginia sun reflecting off each fragment of bright white flesh like a starburst supernova.

“Jeez, said agent Hotchner as he slipped on a pair of black wayfarers, “that glare hurts my eyes.”

“Where’d you get those shades?” said Jason “Gid Loco” Gideon. 

“I stole them from that serial killer Patrick Bateman,” said Hotch, “after I profiled him and beat him to death.”

“Definitely some cool shades Hotch sir,” said agent Reid.

“Yo,” said Gid Loco, “I’m a pull over by this beach here Hotch, dump JJ and Lightskinded off into the ocean ahight?”

“Of course,” said Hotch.

“Uh Gid Loco sir,” said agent Reid, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why yo?”

“This is Broad Channel sir, it’s an Irish neighborhood.”

“Christ,” said Hotch.

But then the Eagle Talon’s engine blew up.

“For corn’s sake,” said Hotch, “I told you not to push the Eagle so hard. Now we’re broke down in Broad Channel with two dead bodies.”

And then they heard the House of Pain music blasting from a green 2000 Trans-Am, painted over with shamrocks, which was pulling up behind them.

And not just House of Pain but Feline House of Pain.

Top of the meownin’ to ya uh yo the shamrocks meow meow meow…

Agent Hotchner couldn’t help but roll his eyes at his BFF and mentor Jason “Gid Loco” Gideon and flash back to the day he first met him, when he was doing tricks on his Mongoose back at the Virginia mall, before he was Agent Aaron Hotchner, back when he was still a hip teenager the other kids called “Hotch-man”…



The Galleria Mall…

Summer of 1969…


To be continued in “Agent Hotchner: FBI Fuck Machine Numero Dos”!!!



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